Letter to a Christian Friend

Below is my response to an old and dear friend’s e-mail. I have edited it so that it will not be evident to anyone reading it who the friend is.

Dear Friend,

I thought that you might be surprised, as most of my old friends and my family have been. It is difficult for most Christians to believe that a former southern baptist minister could be an Atheist. You responded very much like a lot of them and did so with concern, love, an obvious bias that I understand, and some false assumptions. I have no problem explaining my journey to you or anyone who has a sincere desire to know, but you really need to keep an open mind, because as you already have in your e-mail, you will be tempted to assume some things that simply are false. Nothing that you wrote that supports your faith is new to me and I think you know me well enough to know that. They are convictions I once held myself. I think you also know the answer to some of the questions you posed; especially the one about whether or not I ever was a Christian. You, of all people, know better than to ask such a question. As arrogant as this may sound, if I wasn’t a Christian, then no one is.

Let me answer some of your other direct questions. I do not believe in anything supernatural or spiritual, therefore I do not beleive in a god. Christianity at it’s core is a religion based on faith (believing without evidence). In fact there is no evidence that the God of the bible exists, there is only personal experience. This is how there can be so many different religions and so many different Christian denominations that can claim to have the truth. None of them have the truth, they have belief without evidence. So, to your question about death and an afterlife….when I die, I’m dead, gone, that’s it. No I will not see my wife and children somewhere in a “spiritual place.” No such place exists.Now to some false assumptions you made. The mental health field in general is not “new age.” The new age movement DOES believe in the spiritual and I do not. The mental health field, whether it’s psychiatry, psychology, counseling, is extremely diverse in it’s theoretical orientations and lense through which people are evaluated and treated. What you didn’t say, but I will, is that the higher a persons level of education the more likely they are to be non-religious. I know that as I have become more and more educated and have chosen to view the world with an open mind instead of through the dogma I was raised with I have been able to discover some truths, some facts, some evidence that contradicts most, if not all, of my Christian faith.

Another assumption you made, which is very common, is that something must have happened to cause me to turn from God. Nope, nothing “happened.” It was a 10 year process of challenging my beliefs against the evidence. A very simplistic example of this is that Evolution is a fact, not “just a theory” as fundamentalists believe. I have learned that to deny this fact is like denying the earth is round or that the holocaust happened. It’s just ridiculous. There are many, many other more complex examples I could give.

There are statements you made about why we don’t or can’t know the answers to certain questions, but all of your examples have simple answers. Your daughter is pregnant because she had unprotected sex. That’s it. There is no “why” to this beyond that simple fact. Good people die at the same rate as “bad” people, it doesn’t matter how good or bad you are, shit happens and believing in a god makes no difference in that. You have a disability for the same reason the Muslim man has the same disability, or the Hindu, or the Atheist. It’s probably a combination of genetics, environment, and life circumstances.

When my children were born I was in awe of the human condition, of the process of procreation, and the emotional bond that was immediately formed between me, my wife, and our children. I was in awe of the overwhelming sense that I now had so much more to give my life meaning and purpose. No god is needed in this process. Basic sex education explains how humans procreate. The orchestrators of my children’s lives were me and my wife, her egg and my sperm, not a god. I am sad for you that you feel sorry for me, because there is nothing to feel sorry for. That’s just it, I have discovered that most of the things Christianity claims to provide people (love, happiness, fellowship, compassion, inspiration, etc. etc.) are all available without a god. I am in awe of the universe. I am in awe of the billions of years it took for the universe to form. I am in awe of how in the context of the universe our planet is like a speck of sand on a beach. I am terrified that religious conservatives, out of their belief in “the end times” are going to make policy decisions that ensure that we bring about the end of our planet.

You ask where I get my love for humanity. Quite simply, I am human. I know that you will find this difficult to comprehend, but my love for humanity, my faith in people, my level of compassion, my personal happiness, have all grown way beyond anything I possessed as a Christian. Knowing that this life is all we have and that the most important relationship we have is not with some deity, but with the people around us, our family, friends, and community. It’s why I am so outspoken for equal rights for ALL people, not just those the religious right thinks deserves equal rights. And yes, my experience working with and getting to know people in the gay community has had an impact on my beliefs. I don’t deny that, but it isn’t THE reason. When I see the rates of successful suicide in gay men who try to be “healed” and aren’t, I become angry with the traditional church. There is nothing wrong or sinful about being gay or living a gay lifestyle. It’s not that they don’t have enough faith, it’s that they are Gay and to change that is the same as trying to get a straight person to stop being straight. The bible is wrong about this matter and many, many others.

I have always, and will always be your friend. I love you dearly. I will answer any question you have for me and I will always be completely honest with you. There is so much that I could write, but it would probably take a book. When you make a statement about my life meaning nothing, nothing to my clients, my family, or my self, you are being hurtful. You are also speaking out of ignorance. My life means more now than it ever did before. My life means a great deal to my wife and children, my family, my friends, and my clients. I have a gay client in fact that sees me as the only person in his life that accepts him for who he is, and for that reason, I matter a great deal to him. If he hadn’t found me and come to me for counseling, he may have been one of those statistics I mentioned earlier. His Christian family, friends, and church have rejected his sexuality as an abomination, and therefore reject him.

I am not saying that religion does not provide some people something good. It does. I’m saying it’s unnecessary. This is probably going to come across as very callous, but you asked what happened to me and whether or not God didn’t do what I asked of him. I’ve already told you that nothing “happened.” It was a long process. But, I think you should think about your own life and how you have probably come to God with a great deal of awe and love, but God has not seen fit to alleviate your pain.

Our purpose in life, the meaning we place on our lives, are up to us. It’s what we make it. And I have made my life about being the best father, husband, friend, and healer I can be. I have love in abundance and I am happy, healthy, successful, and an Atheist.

Your friend, with love,

Rob